Oh hey, look at me, journaling again. Since school ended, I haven’t had much of a routine at home, but since work is starting soon and I’m starting this cool new 30 day healthy living challenge, I figured I’d get back into this.
Today, I went back to counselling for the first time since before Christmas. Honestly, I thought it was one of the most eye opening sessions I have had. I had two goals in mind when I e-mailed my counselor to book an appointment – one was to talk about the one year anniversary of my dad’s death and what to expect with that, and the second was to talk about the anxiety/insecurity that I’ve been having (which I kind of talked about in my last post).
She told me that because of the way things have played out in my life, specifically my father passing away, I now look at everything with the thought that life is unpredictable, which is true. After describing that I am always concerned about the future and past, she told me that I’m no longer living in the present like I was before. There is always these “What if…?” questions, and she told me that those might never really go away.
So, then we talked about my insecurities. She was trying to discover why these had come about, because I told her that while I had never been an overly confident person, I felt okay about myself. But now I’m having thoughts such as “What if I’m not good enough?” “What if this person really doesn’t like me?” all the time, and these are just a couple examples. She then asked me if maybe the reason why I was feeling insecure was because my dad was my source of confidence, and then it hit me – that was the truest statement I had ever heard. He truly was the reason that I had any confidence at all.
While he and my mother had high expectations for me, he was also my biggest supporter. He told me I could do anything, be anything, dream anything, and accomplish anything. He told me I deserved the absolute best from everyone and everything, and taught me to never settle for anything less than that. He taught me how to believe in myself, and when I forgot how to do that, he was always there to teach me how again. I talked to him about almost everything, so to truly come to the realization that someone that meant that much to my life was gone hit me like a brick wall, like it has many times before.
Her suggestion to me was to write down all the affirmations that I can remember my dad telling me, so that’s what I plan to finish this post with, and I’m going to try to come up with 15. Her next suggestion was to write down affirmations that I come up with for myself…which should be an interesting task, but I plan to write 15 for myself in my next post which will hopefully be in the next couple days. Enjoy, Makayla xox
You are so smart
You are a hard worker
I am so proud of all of your accomplishments
I couldn’t ask for a better daughter
You can do it, as long as you keep working hard
You are such a determined person
Stop stressing, you have got no reason to stress!
See, I told you there was nothing to stress about! (7 and 8 happened on several occasions…)
You’re on such a good path, keep going!
You are dedicated person to anything you commit to
You’re so stubborn (Which I took as an affirmation because I think he meant it as I can be an independent person. Although, this did drive him crazy sometimes lol).
You have great people skills
I love listening to you sing and play guitar (Literally, my biggest fan…)
You are a good big sister to your brother
I love you.