One year.

Oops. For someone who finds such an escape in writing, I haven’t done very much of it. Here goes nothing.

About a month ago, it was the one year anniversary of my father’s death. I didn’t know what to expect on this day, and I was very anxious about it. I wanted to skip the day and pretend that it didn’t exist. We decided as a family that we wanted to have our family over for supper. My counselor told me to ask my family to be in charge of bringing food and doing the set up and clean up…which ended up being a really good idea. It might seem like not a big deal, but it was nice to have no responsibility for a while.

I can honestly tell you that it wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be. It was almost like any other day, which was totally not what I was expecting. It wasn’t hard to get out of bed, it wasn’t hard to see other people, there were no breakdowns. We…survived. I was so thankful to be surrounded by my family because they were so lovely and fun, and we had an evening of laughs and good food…certainly what Dad would have wanted.

Father’s Day was shortly after the anniversary, and it was incredibly hard, which again, I wasn’t expecting at all. I had already gone through a father’s day without him but it was shortly after he passed away and I was still in a state of complete shock. This was too real for me. I cried, a lot. Just to myself, though. I think the reality that I have to go through a father’s day every year for the rest of my life, and now I have no father to celebrate. Eventually, I’m hoping to have a husband who will be the father to my children and we can celebrate him. But the reality that I no longer have my father to celebrate for the rest of my life was terrifying.

Now that they are both done, I feel very relieved. I feel like now that the first year is done, I’ve conquered many “firsts”. After it was done, I went to see my counselor to talk about it and I expressed my fear of any more “firsts” to come, like marriage and my first house and kids. I said that even though I can’t be more excited for those things, there is a bit of dread in my mind while thinking about those things. Dad isn’t going to be there, and that makes those experiences a whole new ball game. She told me that I need to focus on getting through the day-to-day. Difficult, but I’m trying! Thanks for reading.

Lots of love,

Makayla xox

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